Tuesday, June 24, 2014

10 Movies the World Would be Better Without

This is a list I wrote for my day job, before I realized I had read the subject incorrectly! I wrote the correct article for them today. Since they won't be using this article, I decided to share it here for everyone to enjoy.

Water World

The premise to "Water World" isn't a bad one, and was somewhat visionary for 1986. Global warming has raised the level of water on Earth so high that mankind must live on a planet with little land. "Water World" left many viewers wishing they had seen something else instead.

"Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

It's a good thing that Star Wars fans already loved the original trilogy. Otherwise, "The Phantom Menace" might have killed the film franchise entirely. There's a reason fans came up with a new way to watch the films, called "Machete Order." You watch episodes IV and V, then II and III as a flashback, the VI for the conclusion, skipping I completely. Nothing that happens in Episode I is really important to the rest of the story. The addition of midichlorians, senate hearings, and worst of all, Jar Jar Binks, makes this film a must-skip.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

"Superman III" had already jumped the shark by having Richard Prior co-star, and by using audio effects from Atari Pac Man. Yet somehow, "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace" was even worse. The effects were even worse than in the previous film. Since Superman's goal was to rid the Earth of nuclear weapons, of course he has to face an idiotic super villain called Nuclear Man. If this film hadn't been made, the Superman franchise might have come back sooner, and stronger.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The "Indiana Jones" franchise definitely deserved a fourth movie. Unfortunately, it got "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." If only Spielberg realized that aliens do not belong in an Indiana Jones film. Bringing Indy and Marion together was great. The rest of the film, not so much.

Batman and Robin

Audiences loved the first two Batman movies by Tim Burton. Sure, they were campy, but also edgy, and the danger felt real. The third film certainly went down hill, but it was the final installment, "Batman and Robin," that killed the Batman franchise until rebooted by Christopher Nolan. Bad casting, worse puns, and a camp factor that was way overblown make this a film that should never have seen the silver screen.

Dude, Where's My Car?

Ashton Kutcher can act. Seann William Scott can act. One has to wonder if that's what they were doing in "Dude, Where's My Car?" As Cheech and Chong showed years ago, stoner comedies can be hilarious. The main characters wake up from a drug-fueled sleep only to not know where the car is. "The Hangover," years later, would handle the premise much better.

The Hangover III

"The Hangover" was a funny, over-the-top movie about friends who wake up the night after a bachelor party with no memory of the day before, and have to trace back their steps to find out what happened. The exact same premise was repeated in "The Hangover II" to shaky results. "The Hangover III" was just one too many. Here's a hint to the movie makers: Decapitated giraffes aren't funny.

Highlander 2: The Quickening

It's anyone's guess how tis abomination of a sequel has a 3.9 out of 10 rating on IMDB. Rotten Tomatoes doesn't even have a proper page for this disaster. To put it bluntly, "Highlander 2: The Quickening" crapped on all the fans who loved "Highlander." It contradicted critical background from the first movie, turning the immortals born of humans on Earth into aliens who had come to Earth to do battle over centuries. The humor doesn't just fall flat. It's painfully stupid. Shame on Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery for reprising their roles in this one.

Freddy Got Fingered

Tom Green is a jackass, and not in the sort-of-funny "Jackass" movie way. The humor, perhaps meant to be slapstick, is just weird and creepy. Swinging a newborn around by its umbilical cord and hitting the legs of a girl in a wheelchair with a club are disturbing, not funny. Green should have spared the world and never made this film

Battlefield Earth

"Battlefield Earth" is based on the hack writing of L. Ron Hubbard, who couldn't make it as a science fiction writer until he made up his own religion, Scientology. An adherent of that out-of-this-world belief system, John Travolta was determined to turn Hubbard's work into a film. Bad filming, bad acting, and a terrible story made this film what it deserved to be: a flop. At least the world was never subjected to a sequel.